Pibb Xtra

I am right now drinking a Pibb Xtra. I am doing this 100% for YOU, because I already had that Ovaltine this morning, and frankly I’ve been overdoing it on sugar lately and a soda is probably the last thing on Earth I need right now. But in group we’ve been talking about how sometimes there’s My Needs and then there’s The World’s Needs. Marco (he’s the facilitator) explained it all to me using the metaphor of a glass of water—like the Glass of My Needs is right in front of me and I’d barely even have to get out of my chair to take a sip, whereas the Glass of The World’s Needs is way over on the other side of the table, but that glass is cleaner and maybe the water has a slice of lemon in it, so if I actually got up out of my chair and walked around to take a sip of The World’s Needs I would find myself way more refreshed.

But like I explained to Marco, The Glass of My Needs contains my desire to take my neighbor’s yappy little poodle and put it up on the roof of the high school, and he was saying that the Glass of The World’s Needs is full of many things, such as dogs not liking to be on high school roofs, and high schools not wanting dogs on their roofs, and poodle-owners wanting their dogs to be on the ground at all times. And I was like But Marco, my glass is right in front of me and I really want to put the poodle on the roof of the high school and he said that maybe if I look again the Glass of My Needs is actually full of Peaceful and Legal Conflict Resolution Resulting from Open Conversation with my Neighbor about his Annoying Dog. And I just remember staring into the glass for a really long time as the room began to spin around me—the meds were really kicking in—but I think I managed to find a drop of Punching Marco in the Face deep down in my glass before they grabbed me from behind and dragged me back to my room.

So: about the Pibb Xtra that I’m drinking and which I want less than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life, ever. Here’s why I’m enjoying drinking it, and it’s the only reason: because I get to write a review that will smash your girly little hopes and dreams into oblivion.

Pibb Xtra is a scam. It’s not some Vin Diesel’d recharge of Mr Pibb, it’s just a rebranding ploy. If you have read claims that Pibb Xtra is an all new flavor, then hear this: they are confusing the issue with half-truths and gorilla dust.

What I think happened is Coca-Cola (purveyors of Mr Pibb) saw that Dr Pepper was releasing Red Fusion and they totally freaked like “Oh man how are we going to counter?” And the marketing guys were like “Dude I got nothing.” But then Tommy from Accounting was like “My son’s a fucking idiot, and he’ll buy any piece of shit that has the words “Xtreme Blastin'” in front of it. And the VPs were all “Dear Marketing Department: Please clean out your desks, there’s a new sheriff in town.”

I was never a huge fan of Pibb or of Dr Pepper, though. I think it all goes back to the time I was in London, and I noticed that while the Dr Peppers in the USA all say “natural flavors” on the side, in England they say “contains prune juice.” Which is just like, I’m sorry, what??? You’re making soda out of prune juice and not telling the American people? Don’t you think they’d want to know that?
So to sum up, Pibb Xtra Suxx, and Red Fusion retains its title as the best soda in the Dr/Mr genre.

Okay. Now I’m going to go back to crying about the new Liz Phair album. I’m so upset about it that a certain neighbor’s yappy dog will very likely end up on the roof of the high school tonight.