Hey dude. I was out sick yesterday, which is why you didn’t get the normal 10 emails from me. Not that you noticed. I was pretty much drinking o.j. and ginger ale all the live-long day. Now I’m back at the office, and there’s no o.j. or ginger ale in the machine here. But we did happen to have this weird little bottle of mexican mango juice in the fridge, so I brought that in today. Check it out, I haven’t even tasted it yet: I’m live blogging this shit up in here!
Okay, so, this bottle of mango juice. I’m sure I’d never find a pic of it on the interweb, so I’ll paint a word picture. The first thing you notice about it is that this is a very tiny bottle. 8.45 fl. Oz / 250 ml). I’m guessing there are maybe 3 actual sips of juice in this thing? Who is the target demo? Whom could this possible sate? I ask.
On the other hand, the juice looks like it might be fairly viscous. Or very non-viscous? Which is thick and syrupy? That one. Now, as in 10th grade, I suck at chemistry. Okay here goes.
Hold on, screw cap back on and shake up for good measure. Okay.
Hold on, this is definitely viscous. You should see the bubbles struggling to rise to the top. What if this drink is actually that alien sea monster from The Abyss? Okay here goes.
Now I see that the ingrediments are “treated water, mango pulp” then a bunch of chemicals. But here goes with one more teensy sip. I retract what I said earlier about the portion size. If anything, a Monopoly thimble would have sufficed.
This, I don’t get it. I love mango, why does this suck so bad? I sense the presense of a dirt additive or something. Okay one more sip.
I would definitely throw up if I continued to drink this. I’m throwing it out. I estimate that I drank about 1 fl. Oz. On the nutrition information it says this is 1 serving, but I estimate there are about 300.
Also I said this was mexican because it was in the mexican section at the supermercado and the title is in spanish. But the label clearly states “Product of the United Arab Emirates.” What the fudge.
I am certain that if you ever need to make yourself throw up, Bebida de Mango from the United Arab Emirates is hot-swappable with Syrup of Ipecac.
Ack! I almost spilled it all over my desk. Hereby banished to the waste basket. The end.