Bossa Nova Açai Juice

God I am so sick of antioxidants. I mean I’m as opposed to free radicals and premature aging and heart disease and certain cancers as the next guy, but when did pricey bottled beverages get so stodgy. My grocery store is cluttered with these antioxidant drinks and I guess maybe it’s because of the demo where I live in SW Connecticut (Botox County, USA), but I’m washing my hands of the whole thing, like OCD-stylee.

The last straw was Bossa Nova Açai Juice. Açai is “nature’s healthiest, highest antioxidant fruit” is says here, and in [yet another] chart on the back of the bottle, we learn that the humble açai crushes even the pomegranate when it comes to antioxidants.

I’ll be honest with you, for once. There was a small part of me that was hoping that I’d be experiencing a flavor I’ve never experienced before. That I’d knock back the juice of this fruit I’d never heard of and be just flat-out gobsmacked, and stymied as to how to describe it to you. There would be no reference point. I’d have to talk about it with bad album-review descriptions like “imagine if kiwi juice had sex with fresh salmon and their offspring went to Mexico for a three-day peyote journey into its own soul.”

Luckily I can spare you all that because this tastes basically like blueberries. And it’s another one of these drinks that is almost all aftertaste? It’s almost like water at first and then the flavor comes rolling through a second later? Like a quiet storm..? Anyway it’s smooth and pleasant enough, a nice level of sweetness, and it’s far superior to pomegranate in the flavor department, but whatever. Next time I’m spending my hard-earned $18.00 on three dozen cans of Sunkist. Just kidding it was not $18.00 but I am not kidding about the Sunkist.

8 thoughts on “Bossa Nova Açai Juice”

  1. DAMN IT I was just working on a review in which I describe a flavor using the metaphor of two inanimate objects copulating and thereby birthing a new taste sensation.
    Maybe I’ll still use it, because a) no one reads this anyway, and b) I was also going to work in an Achewood reference.
    Anyways, 3 stars for this nonsense? Blast your abstruse grading method.

  2. Yeah when I first took a whiff of this drink (I also always start out the beverage experience — the “bevperience” — with its scent) I thought to myself, a) “Zero stars. I’m actually dreading drinking this,” and b) “This smells like six asses,” an Achewood reference. Hand raised.
    So I started the review all angry but by the time I got through half the bottle I realized that even though I’ll never drink it again, it really wasn’t bad, taste-wise, and less offensive than some of its peers, and I kind of wilted at the last minute and went for three stars because I’m basically a big old softie, deep down.

  3. Yes I mentioned the importance of the first whiff in my excellent review of Sencha Shot. You probably read it, filed it away, and later figured it was an original thought of your own or something.
    Irregardless, we what to you think about going back later to change ratings. Sometimes, in the cold light of day, I second-guess and feel like I rated something too high. But music and movie critics don’t get takebacks, so I haven’t fiddled with the sensors or anything as of yet.

  4. Note that I said “I ALSO always start out…” to imply that I had read your post about the first whiff, understood what I had read, processed it, and opted to respond by saying that I ALSO do this, that you and I are not so different, aside from the fact that I don’t fly off the handle like some crazy ding-dong.
    Anyway, I don’t plan to renege on any star rating. They’re so arbitrary anyway that why bother. I say the stars represent the passionate madness of the first gut reaction, which is how we can explain your five-star rating of Baja Blast. If you really recant on a rating I think you should be forced to write a whole new review that justifies your wishy-washiness.

  5. I read.
    I also enjoy the bickering in the comments.
    I find it difficult to get a lot of these beverages. Living in Los Angeles I think I’m privvy to a whole different subset of both healthy and international fare.
    I can’t explain why, but I find this site to be an ulitimately satisfying read. I’m glad you guys are back.

  6. I agree with robot mark. This site is a satisfying read. I check it religiously Monday through Friday (damn kfan for posting the link on BOTH whygodwhy and MySpace!).

  7. Oh, I remember what else I was going to say. I found your review of Baja Blast funny and inspiring. So, the last time I went to Taco Bell I ordered a big. I thought, “Hell- I like Baja Blast and Mountain Dew isn’t ALL bad. Plus, kfan likes it.”
    I just want to say that something is wrong with your taste buds. That crap is not worth 5 stars and tastes nothing like Pepsi Blue.

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