So I picked me up a six of the All Natural 7UP just to see what the fuss was about. The bev community is being torn asunder by this hurly-burly. It just makes me sad more than anything else. Friends who once shared shitty white tea in the spirit of brotherhood are now calling into question each other’s sexuality or family lineage. And all because some people think high fructose corn syrup is unnatural.
But you know my deal, DJ Fanny. It’s all about the flavor. 100% natural or no, maybe tinkering with the formula resulted in something awesome and new for 7UP, that old workhorse of adequatulence. Certainly a mainstay of my own personal childhood, when I was forbidden from enjoying caffeinated drinks. And I’m ashamed to admit that the new label stirred … feelings within me. I was affected by marketing. The bright yellow band talking about how it’s “more crisp, refreshing” and the big bold limes and lemons — I actually thought: This is going to be a very special drinking experience. This is going to be fruity. This is going to be like suckling at the very ripeness of life itself. This is going to be the next evolution of sodie pop.
I’ll tell you in the name of accurate reporting that my hands were shaking a little as I raised the bottle to my lips. My mind was a delicious blank as the liquid cascaded across my tongue. My eyes were mostly closed. And upon my first swallow, I shouted to the heavens: “This tastes basically like regular 7UP!!!!!!!!!!!”
Seriously no noticeable difference. And I was really looking, too. But no, it’s your garden-variety 7UP. And frankly I think I prefer Sprite. It’s a little sweeter, right? 7UP seems over-carbonated for my tastes. Maybe I’ve just been softened up by the smooveness of Mountain Dew and its kin but I don’t needs these bubbles all up ins.