Red Bull

There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to wake up to a cold hard truth that can no longer be ignored. For some men, that means reconciling their desire to wear a leather vest and no shirt with their loveless heterosexual marriage. As for me, (relax) I must face up to the fact that I am a Red Bull enthusiast. Who knew! Me, an energy drink guy! I don’t even own a pair of cargo pants. My day-to-day activities are neither extreme nor to the maxx, and are rarely performed with anything even approaching aplomb or √©lan.

And yet, if you look at my beverage statistics, it turns out I drink Red Bull more often than any other beverage besides water. Straight up, not even joking, I am just as taken aback by all of this as you are. But I am a travelling man, and I pretty much swear by Red Bull for my long car trips. I probably went through 10 cans in the last two weeks alone, what with the hither and yon.

What I like about it:

  • The taste isn’t completely terrible.
  • No HFCS.
  • Doesn’t make me all spazz out with a heart attack.
  • Has a more complicated chemical formula than coffee (read: inspires bathroom visits with less frequency).

Sorry to describe the drink in terms of what it isn’t. I didn’t invent the rules of the English language; I just wield it like a cat o’ nine tails against the vinyl-clad ass of your mind.

14 thoughts on “Red Bull”

  1. i’ve never had Red Bull, in part b/c I thought it had something milk-derived in it. as it turns out, every bit of it is synthetic. so that’s interesting.
    but i still really don’t have any interest in trying it.

  2. Five stars for a drink that “isn’t completely terrible,” taste-wise? This is worse than Josh picking Henry Weinhard over Virgil.

  3. I’m with mokin about the root beer debacle.
    Red Bull tastes like an antifreeze/sake mix. It’s not so much a drink as it is an assault. Horrible, horrible.

  4. There’s a medicine for kids over here called Calpol. I don’t know if you have it. Google suggests not. Anyways, Red Bull tastes exactly like Calpol.
    This isn’t a bad thing, as such. It just feels wrong to drink an entire can of something you were only allowed one small teaspoon of when you were four.
    If you mix it with vodka you can stay up all night even if you are not a teenager. But then sometimes your chest hurts the next morning. And your dignity.

  5. I’m a loyal reader who has yet felt the need to comment until today. There’s just something about the term “vinyl-clad ass of your mind” that makes me love you just a little bit.
    That being said…
    I’ve been working around the local music scene way up here in Vancouver Canada (yes, we have a music scene, thank you) for a number of years and this last year’s festival season for me has been unofficially sponsored by RedBull. The older I get, the more RedBull I drink.

  6. Thank you, sir, for helping me come to the terms with the shameful feelings I sometimes associate with drinking Red Bull.
    Another item that could be added to your already-excellent list is: Tastes between ten and twenty times better than Tab Energy.

  7. I prefer monster but most all of the energy drinks I’ve tasted have an intensely strong and tart citric taste to them which I sometimes find to my liking when I want extreme lemonade acidity lol
    Energy drinks drop you like a hot rock, so if you’re drinking it for the energy then go drink something that tastes better….but most energy drinks tend to have the tangy citrus wang no matter what =/

  8. I’m not an avid energy drink guy, but I do drink them every so often. I can honestly say that I like the taste of red bull soooo much better than Monster. I don’t really see why its that bad. It works perfectly too, I don’t go crazy jittery and I can stay awake for a long time.

  9. I am in love with Red Bull. My family has a membership at Costco so I get the whole sale 32 packs of the stuff. Im sure I drink one a day and the days I don’t drink one I drink two the next day to stay on top of things. Though the taste is a little medicinal I love it.

  10. Well… MONSTER ENERGY is the best. Period.
    -No HFCS
    -Yes Taurine
    -Yes Ginseng
    And of course, it comes in a bigger can, so there’s more to love.
    I’ve seen Cocaine before too, and it’s pretty awesome… I like how it burns your throat… it tastes like… Drain Cleaner+Cherry Soda… it’s an aquired taste…
    TaB is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tasted in my life… It makes me want to kill babies… Repeatedly…
    Rockstar… has HFCS, so I wont touch it… and … That’s about all I care to say…

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