Vitamin Water Formula 50

OK chum I gotta just quickly chime in on the whole Vitamin Water thing. I mean it’s this thing. These babies are everywhere. I feel like they’re going to supplant the whole Snapple stranglehold, given enough marketing dollars. I know you’ve already submitted your review but I need to deposit my fitty cents.

(And at this juncture I have to give a shout out to my wife who was way ahead of the curve on this one [sort of like the whole “write extremely personal things about yourself on the web” deal]. She was all: “Taste this! It’s totally like watered-down orange drink!” Because she’s basically ape for the watered-down drinks? Seriously just the other day I got this delightful carton of potent apple cider, all action-packed with fierce autumn flavor the way it should be, right? Get this: She cuts it with three parts water. I’m like: Why do you hate flavor. Why do you hate pleasure. But that’s a tale for another time.)

Anyway one day I’m desperately dehydro and desperate for w/e and as usual the local beverage provider is filled stem to stern with Vitamin Waters, and I go: fine. I give. And I opted for Formula 50, which allegedly is brought to me by 50 Cent? In some kind of weird, super-subtle (and thus atypical) hip-hop cross-promo thing? And I chug it, not even really tasting anything until the bottle is empty, and I’m left with: OK, I take it this is the watered-down grape Kool-Aid flavor. (No joke, I’m pretty sure it’s actual Kool-Aid that these pricks in Queens are just diluting with shitty sludge from the Sound, and then charging us two bills.)

I tried pretty much every other VW I came across — the watered-down fruit punch, watered-down lemonade, even the more obscure flavors like green tea and peach mango and raspberry apple and lemon tea — and each time I’m all: Zzzzzwha? What time is it? Oh I must’ve driften off while drinking this incredibly dull drink. And then I turn around and realize I’ve had one of these every day for like the last three months. It got its hooks in me. These shiny bottles call out to me every time, cockpunching all competitors with extreme prejudice.

And Formula 50 is the one I keep turning to above all others. It just plain quenches the shit out me and the shrill, bleak grape taste has become increasingly endearing and essential. I’m not proud of my love for this drink, but I have to acknowledge it’s become a regular part of my regimen.

27 thoughts on “Vitamin Water Formula 50”

  1. i think it’s cuz “juice” is so packed with sugar. so vitamin water is real juice and “juice” is like… un-carbonated soda. uh… something like that.

  2. I stood in the local super market the other day for like 30 minutes reading each and every bottle, or rather each and every flavor. They are brilliant, and the whole design of the bottle just pulled me right in. I have to admit I was already a huge fan of “smart water” jsut for the mere fact of the packaging design of the bottle, although they have now changed the packaging design a bit, and I was a much more attached to the old design, however they have one me over again with these vitamin water, although after thirty minutes of standing in the store reading each bottle, I have yet to actually make a purchase, I couldn’t decide on a flavor, and now reading your review it makes me regret not making a purchase even more. I may just have to make a visit to the super market on my way home from work…
    It’s just the stupid price that starts to pull me away EVERY TIME!

  3. I have heard that one can only find Grape Pop-Tarts in “Tha ‘Hood”, though I haven’t even spotted them in my own somewhat-ghetto-fab Krogers, so I can’t say for sure.
    Anyone else see Grape Tarts on a regular basis? If so, where?

  4. vitamin water: now one of my favorite drinks of all time. && the question below is really good: are they really just sugar-packed drinks? Another way to give an extra buck? Who knows. They’re the only thing I use for sports now, and they keep me pretty energized. I love them 🙂

  5. When African Americans hear that Dave Chappelle quote, they laugh the hardest because it really does ring true. My sister and I laughed our asses off and gave each other a “knowing look” when we first heard it.
    I’ve found the grape drink theory to be only somewhat accurate in my case. However, I love grape SODA. The thought of it sends chills up my spine.
    Of course, I’m only half black. That could explain my lack of grape-drink loyalty. Also, I’ve never heard of a grape pop tart before today.
    I’ve really missed this site.

  6. Yes a legacy worth 4.1 Billion Dollars and 50 gets 10% which gives him a mere 400 million and change.
    Coca-Cola has just purchased the line of drinks!

  7. It taste watered down for a reason. It’s called uh… Vitamin “Water” it’s not meant to be flavorful and taste like a Kool-aid, Hawaiian punch , or Hi-C. It’s flavored water and and I would assume is supposed to taste like water.
    Also 50 Cent is the man, from nothing to being a multi-millonare.

  8. I just noticed that I used “stem to stern” in this review and the one for SmartWater. Who’s sheepish over here. I guess this means I should stop writing? DONE!

  9. I love the stuff but it is a little expensive when you can get a gallon of regular water for under 2 bucks. The flavors are good and kind of addicting (dragon fruit!). I promised myself only to buy it on sale where I can get five for five bucks, but for some reason I keep arrrving at work with one in my hand. How’d that get there? I feel like a sucker everytime I finish one…a really refreshed and energized sucker!

  10. I’m African American and my little sister loved grape anything when we were kids. I couldn’t stand it. Most of that crap is just chemicals anyway. I’ve yet to eat a grape that turned my tongue purple.

  11. I am black and to tell you the truth i don’t think it matter who grape drink is for it’s ok to me i dont love it but if its there i will drink it. I hate dave chappell i think his shows are korny and his stand has its ups and downs. But other than that Vitamin water is off the hook. I was just wondering if it is anything like Gatrade, because if you drink Gatrade without working out it is just like drink a bottle of coke. Some of the more relaxed Vitamin waters, like relax, you would not work out then go and drink it

  12. You are the most amusing writer that i have ever read.
    God seriously, you write like i think.
    You should write a book and send it to me.
    I don’t care what its about, but seriously, you are amazing.

  13. While these ‘watered-down drinks’ are low in calories and admittedly very thirst-quenching, I’m slightly disturbed by the fact that it still packs about 32 grams of sugar in a 20 ounce bottle. Thats better than typical juices and soft drinks but not by all that much.
    And about black people and grape juice. Well my 4 years in food service has left me with the impression that african american people are more likely to choose any kind of fruit drink than non-african american people.

  14. Vitamin water ia not all cracked up as it is to be, yes it has “vitamins”, but these vitamins such as cyanobalamin(B vitamin) and ascorbic acid (vitamin c) within these drinks are not fully absorbed by the body because they are synthetically made and dont come naturally as where eating orange for instance. that is real vitamin C because it comes to the ground and is not grown synthetically within a laboratory. The reason why it tastes so good is the fact
    that it has high fructose corn syrup, which is aslo found in gatorade. It is pure fructose and glucose which are both sugars. When you drink it it shoots your blood level up really quickly then it falls just as fast making you crave it more just like you do with pops such as coke and pepsi. Overall it costs only 8 cents to make per bottle and yet they charge it so much. Drink real plain water it is the best for you. Also one final thing,they say it contains electroloytes when all electrolytes are, are ions that change the pH of the drink. So when you are on the shelf really question yourself, water the healthy natural thirst quencher and drink or Vitamin Water the pure sugar synthetic drink.

  15. i didn’t know 50 cents did this! anyways i love it in a different way. when i drank it i wanted more. i actually made a special trip to the grocery to get more. i got “dragon fruit”. makes me smack.

  16. it’s not that vitamin water is watered down at all. it’s just that most the drinks that the average american consumes is full of artificially processed everything and a pound of sugar. so when another drink comes out that doesnt have a pound of sugar and high fructose corn syrup, people think it’s watered down b/c they’re so used to drinking all this overly saturated artficial stuff like snapple, soda, arizona ice-tea, kool-aid or whatever – all of this stuff makes me nauseous and dizzy cause it’s full of stuff that our bodies dont want. how many people on here actually read the ingredients?
    for 1 or 2 months try eliminating all high fructose corn syrup, any diet sugar substitutes like sacharrin, aspartame, sucralose (nutrasweet, equal, splenda), hydrogenated oils, excessive sodium, & excessive sugar, and then go back to that stuff after you’ve cleaned your body out of all of it and replace it with natural, unprocessed stuff with real, natural flavor. i guarentee you’ll react much differently to it.
    not that vitamin water is good to have all the time but one every here and there is fine and better than any of the other sport drinks or just mainstream drinks in general, esp after a hard workout when your body is craving it. mineral water is the best thing to drink for your body, as well as real, fresh fruit juice, and natural organic teas.
    btw – chemist, none of the bottles i have list high fructose corn syrup as an ingredient. did they change the formula recently? i hate gatorade, powerade, and all those other sport drinks – very artificial tasting with sugar overload. i dont get those effects at all from vitamin water.

  17. 32g of sugar? my VW bottles say 13g sugar, but i do agree it should be even less than this and have natural fructose instead of crystalline.

  18. Although I will admit Vitamin water is pretty pricey for the quality it beholds, the drink is insanely addicting. Not only does the taste pull me in, but just having it feels good. With the clever description on the bottle and the bright colors, this drink will pull in alot of creative and curious customers. Personally, I love Dragon Fruit.

  19. malcolm, Nutrition Facts labels are designed to trick you. Look at the serving sizes PER container. The 13g is only 1 serving size. They chop it up in order to make you think you’re having less if you don’t want to do the math in your head.
    I am really disapointed that vitamin waters contain artificial sugars. I was trying to cut out high fructose corn syrup so I stopped drinking snapples and opted for vitamin waters instead. Too bad they’re using the same ingredient basically, just renamed. Why can’t they use real sugars or fruit juice sugars ? Oh wait, because it costs too much?? How silly they can use all the profits they got from their vitamin waters !! It’s not like they don’t have enough money. I am so angry right now.

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