Melon Ramune

Before you even start, I know. I know Ramune is old news for Mr. Worldly Beverage Maestro over there. I know you always have a bottle at the ready to impress the meganekko down at Club Yank or wherever you prowl on Friday nights nowadays. But since you haven’t deigned to share your little secret with our reader(s), I shall once again pick up the slickity-slack.

OK let’s pretend Kfan isn’t here right now. Ahh! It’s like a black cloud has just cleared away from our skies. Look at this spring in our steps! Rad! Anyway this one is just between us. Shhh. So listen: Ramune is a soda that comes in a bottle that’s shaped like a Victorian woman who had some ribs removed in order to fit into an xtreme corset. There are also some dimples. Instead of a bottle cap or its ilk, the top is sealed with a marble and a plastic lid. The lid is disassembled into a little tool which allows you to push the marble into the liquid within. The marble rests in the Victorian waist of the bottle and rolls around while you drink.

You kind of have to work at popping the marble, which only makes the moment of breakthrough all the more satisfying. And innuendo-filled, looks like.

I guess Ramune in general has a bubble gum kind of flavor, and it’s still the dominant thing going on even with this melon iteration. But the melon complicates the experience a little. It’s the drifter who comes into the small town and changes everyone’s lives that summer. It softens the sickly-sweetness, makes you feel a little better about yourself for drinking something that tastes like bubble gum.

Nevertheless I still sort of feel pukey. But I mean who cares when there’s a marble trapped inside there! Clinking! Sometimes blocking the outflow of the iffy green soda! This is a marvel of ridiculous and user-unfriendly packaging. It makes me want to go hunt replicants. Zura karu ze.