Ohana Raspberry Lemonade

I’ve been in Indiana for the past week, what’s your excuse? I come back to find the office a complete mess and Gonzalo wearing only what I’m 90% certain are a pair of your tighty whiteys, what’s up. Anyways, shite state of affairs out there, I’m sad to report: there is fuck-all to drink. I know, big surprise in the land where Faygo reigns supreme. Did you know that if you are searching for a good beverage in Indiana, you will actually die of thirst? It is a true fact. This report is basically proof.

Ohana Raspberry Lemonade is measurably terrible and I doubt anyone would disagree, so it’s not worth the ones and zeroes to really get into the whys and wherefores. All that matters is this is a juice that not only has no real juice in it, it doesn’t even have anything approaching fruit flavoring in it. It’s simply the chemical approximations of sweet and sour, delivered with the grace and joy of a metal rasp to the tongue. Nothing good will ever come of the existence of this drink, but that’s fine because no one will ever really like it. It’s not even a minor Baldwin–it’s a guy who lived near the Baldwins, growing up.

Generally, complaining on the internet about a beverage is the surest guarantee of a slew of commenters furiously chiming in to hail said beverage as their all-time favorite. But this can’t possibly be anyone’s favorite, unless it’s the type of thing where they drank it once or twice on a youthful dare, and now that they’re adults the memory has somehow taken on a life of its own, coming to inhabit the kitschy intersection of vague memory and ironic nostalgia.

That intersection actually exists, by the way. It’s in Indiana.

4 thoughts on “Ohana Raspberry Lemonade”

  1. First, thanks for taking so long to post. No, really, I’m writing a thank-you card, the kind with the curly flowers like your grandma used to send, to the stae of Indiana for keeping you away from your keyboard. I was getting used to the awkward feeling of looking over my shoulder, just because my mind’s eye kept dropping the last “A” in the brand name for the aloe stuff, and if it happened to me, then what would my co-workers think I was looking at, as if there weren’t enough rumors already? Could you review some other beverage with an uncomfortable name and plaster it on top of the page so I can get some more attention from my manager perhaps? I’d be glad to pay you for this service in cases of Ohana Rasperry Lemonade, or Canadian money, your choice.

  2. I saw a “Baby on Board” sign in the back of someone’s car today. I’m pretty sure that came from the same intersection.

  3. At my little grocery store down the street I located Stewart’s Key Lime, Orange and Cream, and Whisniak Cherry Sodas. I also located LaCroix sparkling water in all its varieties, SoBe beverages in at least 8 varieties, Jones Sodas in at least 5 varieties, along with several of the new Jones Organics. Sadly, I also found the Ohana culprit.
    PLEASE, for the sake of all that is tasty, contact me next time you are here in Indiana! I will be sure you don’t die from dehydration! 🙂

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