May 22nd, 2006 / by josh
Upshot Mocha
OK you’ve been all bragging about how every time you go to the store you’re mesmerized by all the exciting new options, overwhelmed by the magical rainbow cornucopia of blah blah at that point I stop listening. But at my store you get 2-liter torpedoes of generic pineapple soda and then the monolithic Wall of Snapple. The only new beverages that appear on a regular basis are energy drinks, and energy drinks make me feel all tense and unwashed like I’m trapped in Sid & Nancy.
But I found nothing else interesting this week so I picked up the smallest energy drink I could: Upshot. And in fact its smallness is the gimmick: “More Power. Less Liquid.” It comes in a little airplane-booze-sized bottle and is meant to be knocked back in a single manly shot. It’s basically saying: Do not drink this for the flavor unless you heart disappointment. Drink it for the RUSH.
I opted for mocha flavor since I had such a good experience with the Bolthouse Mocha last week. OK let’s get to it, Kylie. It smells like a White Russian. I am hopeful! And it kind of tastes like a White Russian, too! Except I guess the jagged little aftertaste is not vodka but PhytoXan™ (a proprietary blend of plant-based methylxanthines, theobromine, theophyline, guarana seed extract, etc.). I feel good, broseph. I can see into the souls of my co-workers. I am understanding the interconnectedness of all things. My pores are opening. I am casting aside the ancient, crumbling mores that have been imposed upon me and embracing a new worldview based on hugs. I love you, man. I love your pretty little face.
Bleh, the flavor is worsening. I should’ve just chugged it as instructed. I feel like one leg is shorter than the other. I feel like a yucky caterpillar crawled into my mouth while I was asleep in a dank basement and it defecated shortly before passing on from this world to the next.
13 Comments
May 22nd, 2006 at 1:58 pm
I don’t understand why you have such a lousy selection there. Do you do *all* your food shopping at the gas station? Even places like Wal-Mart & Target gets things in you don’t see other places. Explore the landscape.
May 22nd, 2006 at 3:04 pm
You’re right, I should stop relying on the grocery store. Frankly, the gas station is like Bev-en (Beverage Heaven) compared to the ultra-mart where I get my fruit cocktail and Like Meow, Man, Far Out!! All-Natural Hippie Kittie Litter. But I’m not going to Wal-Mart. I know you turn to them for great deals on those diapers you like (the ones made from the skins of Filipino slave-children?) but my journey into refreshment takes me on a higher road.
June 4th, 2006 at 5:17 pm
This stuff doesn’t taste bad if you mix it with iced coffee and a little cream or milk or soy or whatever. You don’t need to add sugar.
August 22nd, 2006 at 3:04 pm
I’ve picked these up at Super Target and agree that they are not a sipping drinking - better to chug.
December 8th, 2006 at 2:24 pm
With 200mg of caffine in 2.5 oz., the fact that there is flavor is only so you can stand to chug it. Energy stuff doesn’t taste good at all, this drink is made to slam and be wired.
May 7th, 2007 at 10:40 pm
Just take No-Doze or something with caffeine. No need to spend this money on something that could make you sick. I tried to drink it to stay awake in my travels from SC to NJ. I thought I bought something that was bad or expired! Use common sense and simply buy a soda and take a couple of caffeine pills. Use common sense and put this rip- off product out of business…PS. There is no Easter Bunny or Santa for those whom would disagree and believe this stuff is the miracle sirum.
May 9th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
Josh, you’re hilarious. Do you post anywhere else? I’d love to read more of your ‘writing’ or whatever. That comment about the caterpillar had me amused and laughing for hours.
May 10th, 2007 at 11:31 pm
i love upshot… i am very sensitive to anything that races me…..cant tolerate that so i dont usually try energy drinks……….i did try upshot mocha ,i went back to the store and bought them out… i had tons of energy without the side effects………..no jitters, no heart racing, no tight jaws, and my house is cleaner than ever……………love it
July 25th, 2007 at 10:08 am
Ever since my 17 hour drive from Las Vegas to home and arriving safely at 6am wired on 4 RedBulls and lots of Dr. Pepper, I have been a die-hard RedBull fan. The 7-11 convenience stores around here do not carry RedBull and on a whim I pickup a Kola Upshot (not fond of coffee in any way, shape, or form). I have tried other energy drinks and nothing packed the punch that RedBull does, until I found Upshot. Upshot definately keeps me going better than RedBull and without the harsh citris flavoring that RedBull has.
September 4th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
I have never smoked crack, but I invision this is the exact same result. I drank this little bottle in about 1 second, within ten minute I feel like crackatopia. Man if crack is anything like this stuff, I see why people smoke it. I just went from about 60 words per minute to about 150. I just typed this whole comment in less then 3 seconds.
September 29th, 2007 at 8:14 pm
someone gave me 3 cases of this stuff… ummmm… well i had one weekend to prepare my store for opening and thanks to this stuff, it got done… and i did it better than i would have sober. By sober, i mean this stuff would wake the dead… and without the nasty sideeffects that coffee or any other caffine drink will give ya. No wonder the military is using it!
December 17th, 2007 at 9:43 pm
Just wondering… I can’t find anywhere around me that sells this crap. Where did you guys find it?
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:42 am
Damn, you guys really get that spun out behind a little hit of *caffeine*? Shit. Y’all oughtta grow some pubic hair and try a little real speed. Now *that* will put sand in yer craw and a glitterin’ in yer eyes; it shows up those jive ass energy drinks for the hype-pipe tripe they are.
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