Mexican Coke Vs. Passover Coke

Two varieties of Coca-Cola. Both sweetened with cane sugar, rather than high fructose corn syrup. On the surface–could they be more similar? And yet if we look a bit more closely, we find they have vastly disparate pedigrees. Which is the ultimate? K4T asks the impossible questions, in our continual pursuit of the incontrovertible truth.

The origins of Mexican Coke are shrouded in legend and mystery. Who even knows how it gained ingress to this country? Did it save the nickels it earned, street-fighting on poorly-lit corners, saving up to purchase a crudely-drawn map from a coyote with an eye patch? See the glass bottle’s silhouette, as it races across the desert at night. And even later, having established itself at the local groceria, its presence is only truly known to those with knowledge of the secret password. An almost imperceptible nod from the owner, and you are taken through the false door behind the telenovela rentals, back to the Mexican Coke display room. Its name is whispered in the dreams of children and old men. Mexican Coke is everywhere and nowhere, inspiring the hopes and spirits of anyone who ever dared to dream.

And what of Passover Coke? He spends 50 weeks out of the year wearing sunglasses and a loose towel, laying beneath a sunlamp in a temperature-controlled warehouse. “It is time to make your appearance,” its manager says. Passover Coke rolls its eyes. “Again? Explain to me why I keep you on the payroll, if I’m always having to glad-hand the proletariat.” The manager shrugs and look sheepish. “Forget it,” Passover Coke says with disgust. “Forget you. Just bring the limo around.” It is a brief, air-conditioned trip to the chartered jet. Passover Coke will be flown out to the ritzy supermarket, where it will swoop down on a parachute to alight upon the dais, a false smile and a half-hearted wave to the adoring crowd. Unworthy cretins, Passover Coke thinks, vowing a hard punch to the eye for the first person who tries to touch it. Next year we’re farming this gig out to RC Cola.

Based on these facts, and others too innumerable to mention, Mexican Coke is certainly the more worthy beverage.