SmartWater

OK. No more lies. No more sassafras. No more jingo-jango. If you sat me down, right here right now, lay an avuncular hand on my shoulder, leaned in and quietly asked, “If you could only drink one beverage for the rest of your life, what would it be?”

I mean, this is the question. This is what we’re here for. And although my thumbs tremble as I punch these words into my jerry-rigged Merlin, I feel that – right here right now – I have a very real answer: SmartWater.

But first I feel I must approach this with the cold, clinical logic that we apply to all of our beviews. I can’t let raw emotion affect this decision. I’ll be using our standard SAD/RAD binary schema.

SAD:

  1. It’s called SmartWater. Awful. Throw in the interCaps and you’ve got a real bad case of 1998. And if you put “smart” in the name, you better be delivering Smatthew-level results.
  2. It’s bottled water. Dude they just take your local tap and mark it up like infinity percent. You are an A-1 chump if you shell out your hard-earned for that.
  3. What are you, some kind of bicyclist? Do you wear four-way seamless stretch microsensor moisture-wicking 3D chamois shorts that leave nothing to the imagination? Do you try to intentionally get your heart-rate up? No. No.
  4. Plus I guess you hate the environment!
  5. Yet another Glaceau product, which already had the whiff of smug exploitation about them even before Coke swooped in and bought the company. Now Jennifer Aniston’s doing TV spots. Is this where your allegiances lie.

RAD:

  1. Holy fuck this is good.
  2. GODDAMN IT WATER FTW
  3. Dearest Jesus in deep space this is the purest, cleanest, most perfect water in the history of water.
  4. Fuck you they make this in a lab. You think natural water tastes good? Pulled out of some dirty spring, choked with fish poo and chemical runoff? These Glaceau punks built a little chamber where they manufacture beautiful white clouds, unsullied by real-world pollutants, and then they make these clouds rain ever so gently right into SmartWater bottles for you to enjoy.
  5. It was really hot over the weekend and I seriously, hand raised, had a like five-minute reverie where I envisioned a walk-in refrigerator filled stem-to-stern with liter bottles of SmartWater, perfectly chilled, gleaming, and lit from within. There was a mist.
  6. It hydrates the shit out of anything it touches.
  7. gotta stockpile man coke’s going to change the formula i just know it
  8. so clean, so so clean
  9. oh god unnnhh
  10. SMARTWATER RUNS BARTERTOWN

44 thoughts on “SmartWater”

  1. I don’t get it. It’s just water? You gave 5 stars to just bottled water?
    Next up: 5 stars for hugs, love, and eating your vegetables. Good job, hippie.

  2. YES it is better than Fiji. It is better than ANY water, whether in a bottle or out of the tap or gathered by pixies from some magical waterfall that flows out the ass of Stephanie Powers or whoever the kids think is hot these days. How can I be any clearer.

  3. How can you be any clearer? Well shit I didn’t even know if you’d tried Fiji before so don’t be so cranky. Polly Pissy Pants.
    Can’t wait to try the water.

  4. oh shit. matt brought some home and i was all: so the fuck what? it’s just water. it tastes like water.
    so we did a blind taste test and i chose the smart water. and now it’s all i want to drink.
    as if we needed to become just some more schmucks whose palate is too snobbish for good ol’ tap water. damn you, allen.

  5. in a blind taste test, i preferred fiji over smartwater. i thought that, compared to the fiji, smartwater tasted more minerally.
    matt not only correctly identified which was the smartwater, he preferred it. matt thought that the SMARTWATER tasted more minerally than the fiji.
    i guess our results are inconclusive.

  6. Hey! A while back, I thought you-all had stopped doing reports — but here I am, laughing my head off again. Glad to see you’re still going, and you’ll be relieved to learn that you’re back on my list.

  7. i work in hvac in charleston, sc. it’s really hot. most of my time is spent sweating in attics that can range up to 150 F. i’ve tried most bottled waters. i prefer the taste of smartwater. fiji is also good. i drink, on average, 8-9 liters of water per business day, whether it is smartwater, dasani, fiji, or aquafina. i feel better when its smartwater.

  8. Dear Josh and everyone: I drank some Smartwater recently. It was good! I liked it! Better than a lot of other bottled waters, even! I still feel very strongly, however, that at the end of the day it’s still just water we’re talking about here, so let’s not all get crazy.
    I have reinstated Josh’s posting privileges on a trail basis. He’s really nice, you guys. If you ever met him in person you would be fine with laughing away his vagaries, as I do.

  9. Joanna’s comment has a typo. Obviously, I thought the Fuji tasted minerally. It’s mineral water.
    I also I thought I’d mention that in a second taste taste of Fuji and SW, Joanna could not tell the difference, yet I identified and preferred the SW.
    I think this is because I am a supertaster of excellent pedigree and Joanna simply has no taste.

  10. In the last day I have bought a bottle each of Poland Spring, Fiji and Smart Water and am happily rating them now from Worst to Best.
    Poland is a utility water; there is a distinct flatness that turns ugly as the liquid warms. But in one go — like a twelve-ouncer all at once — it does the job as neatly as anything else.
    And just the same, only cheap alcohol should be guzzled.

  11. I gave Fiji another shot yesterday, in its cup-holder-hostile bottle, and sorry haters but there’s no competition. It’s all minerally and nast. The thing about SmWa is its total absence of flavor, which I guess makes some people uncomfortable and rude but is, to me, what all water should strive for.

  12. I really liked the taste of SmartWater but how does it compare to say, Gatorade and other sports drinks that are designed to replace electrolytes? Does it have the same amount, 1/2 as much as Gatorade etc.?

  13. All isotonic drinks (like Gatorade, etc. Those drinks designed to hydrate quickly) contain a good measure of salt. It forces the body to absorb liquid more quickly.
    I have friends to make their own isotonic drinks with water and juice concentrate and salt. It’s gross.

  14. Okay, for a couple of years my digestive system kinda crapped out on me, imagine having the stomach flu every day for two years – you get the idea. The ONLY thing I didn’t bring right back up was SmartWater. Other bottled waters did nothing for me, but SmartWater actually hydrated me to the point where i could tolerate chicken broth! No foolin.’
    So now I still live with digestive problems, although not so bad (thank you modern medicine). My GI doc was the one who told me to drink SmartWater, he says it’s the best thing for your digestive system, your body as a whole. He says it’s like a hydration IV (something I’ve experienced one too many times) without the hospital room and needle.
    So there you go. I buy it by the case at Costco. I drink about 3 liters a day. Works for me.

  15. Recently my new co-worker explained that water is so gross that it makes her sick. I asked what she does for liquids. Her answer? Coffee (a diuretic), milk and diluted kool-aid. My jaw hit the floor.
    I love water in all its forms. I drink at least a gallon a day in the summer, and on days when I work it’s closer to two. Tap, spring, diluted, rain, toilet. It’s all delicious.
    But the best is Poland Spring. I would be fine with never drinking anything else again.

  16. i love the bitchy commentary on the side of the Glacéau bottles and i’m totally besties with radioactive looking dragonfruit vitamin water.
    p.s. my mom drinks smartwater too. she’s an old lady.
    p.p.s. heather is my pun heroine du jour for the first sentence of her post.

  17. I’m laughing really hard at this… and giving skeptical glances to my mug of lowly Brita-filtered TAP water over there…
    Is it even WORTH drinking?

  18. First or all kevin is trippin. And i am mad yall are doing blind tastes test, like its that serouis. Lastly I am a hater and there for am trippin too, so dont pay attention to the first part, but i play alot of sports and have tryed both and on the real it is all the same to me. I would rather get water out a garden hose just because more water would come out.

  19. Bird Man – I’ve always liked that taste that water coming out of a garden hose has! (I’m afriad it’s broken down rubber and lead) but it always reminds me of summer and being a kid.
    Hippie much? Why yes.
    G-damn it I STILL haven’t found the smart water anywhere around here. Bullshit.

  20. Listen to this: I am a type 1 Diabetic (Juv.) 32…I ended up in the hospital this weekend due to DKA. A high level of acidity in my blood. This stuff (smart water) has electrolytes in it that reduce the acidity and it works like magic. My blood sugar is lower and i feel clean inside. My blood felt very thick in my veins prior to my last hospital visit. I think this is amazing. I feel alot better.

  21. Hey,
    Lovin the smart water….I have tried to tell myself for years that I get my water in Coffee, but after drinking smartwater, I actually crave h20. I’m still not a 100% convinced that I don’t feel better because of the cute little goldfish in the bottle, but hey, I’m drinking more water than ever, & I’m feeling a little bit slimmer because of it. Of course, I still buy my husband the crap from the grocery store, but hey, when he wants to take over the shopping…he can get whatever kind of bottled h2o he wants. I feel too good to worry about it 🙂

  22. Distilled water with three salts added:
    calcium chloride
    magnesium chloride
    potassium bicarbonate
    Make it yourself for a whole lot cheaper. And you won’t be contributing to the plastic bottle crisis — getting serious.

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