Mike’s Hard Lime

All right. Fine, OK, whatever. Jesus, stop looking at me like that. It’s just that I’ve been a little sick of all the juices and sodas lately. The other night I was food shopping, lonely as a cloud in the beverage aisles, thinking The next company that tries to make me drink something cherry-vanilla’d or green-tea’d is getting stabbed in the ass, AND NOT IN THE GOOD WAY.

But then —just like at Homecoming, when the DJ played “Making Love Out Of Nothing At All” and I thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, and then Joanne, this girl from Chemistry who I’d never really noticed, asked me to dance, and suddenly, there in the gymnasium, under the streamers and disco ball, I realized She’s actually not a complete dog, if you ignore her breath and acne— there it was: Mike’s Hard Lime, jumping off the shelf and into my lap and heart. I mean it’s basically soda, right? With the sugar and the carbonation and what not? We’ve talked once before about my predilection for the fruity malt beverages, and not a thing has changed.

I’m not really an alcohol drinker, like, at all. Because I only enjoy sweet things, beer and wine for me are the potable equivalents of beets and cauliflower. Unfortunately this sudden love affair with Mike’s Hard Lime is turning out to cause major problems: I’m having a hard time reconciling my love for it with my normal, non-alcoholic beverage drinking tendencies. When I was checking out at the supermarket, I was like Oh man, I am drinking two of these as soon as I get to my car. No. Bad. Every morning I see them in the fridge and think: OMG I definitely need to have one of those before work. Also very bad. I seriously want to drink these all the time—while holding the baby and operating heavy machinery and writing on my blog and everything! I’m just saying please keep a close eye on me. You don’t suppose Mike’s Hard Lime is a gateway drug, do you? Watch there be a pomegranate-and-açai-infused meth. That’s all I need.

13 thoughts on “Mike’s Hard Lime”

  1. OK, here’s the thing, Kev-O. You can drink your gay malt beverage all you want. Just promise me you will never refer to it as beer. People do this and it makes me (and my hop craving brethren) cringe and maybe die a little inside. Like I’m that Indian from that thing with the one little tear going down my face.

  2. I understand the desire to drink this at all times. The sweetness with that slight acidic touch can drive you mad, and make you think of it as your first choice at all beverage selection moments. Mmmmmm, it’s morning, I’ve just started work, and I want one now. Sigh.

  3. There is a guy who sits on some steps down the street who seems to have the desire to drink brand-d vodka all the time. Is this similar to that?

  4. You’re not gay, this stuff just tastes good damn it. You’re not gay if you like ice cream sandwhiches right? (and too, I could eat those bitches all day)
    Have you tried the Jack Daniels Down Home punch? Swear to god it tastes on the same level of sweet goodness as Mikes. (and yeah also has that whole drunk after affect) It IS pink so you’ll get more gay bashing but damn the shit is good.
    Why can’t they make a virgin Mike’s brand? Like a pop that tastes the same? Bastards they’ve got non-alki beer why not Mike’s??

  5. ice cream sandwiches are most certainly not gay. in fact, it is probably the manliest way to eat ice cream in public, next to, of course, through the eye sockets of an inverted, dugged out skull of your mortal enemy. seeing as many of us do not have the time, or baby wipes accessible, to properly clean the skull of our mortal enemy, the chocolatey flavored cakes that support our ice cream are a fine and manly substitute.
    you certainly don’t think that a sugar/waffle cone makes you manlier, right? i would hate to see you rugged manly men licking up and down the side of a cone. and by “hate to see,” i mean, “feel gay just for typing that sentence.”
    Kevin is correct — neapolitan is fairly fruity and can completely counteract the pro-man positives gained by eating your icecream betwixt two “soft cake-like pastries.” add sprinkles, as well. not to my cream in a skull, but, to the list of ways to announce favoring “teh mansechs” via public dessert consumption.
    onto the topic — you should try smirnoff’s raw tea. not only does it have one of the internet’s most beloved commercials (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTU2He2BIc0) but it also goes well with lemon cookies.
    and, by “lemon cookies,” i mean, “men drinking in public currently in pursuit of female partners for coital activities.”

  6. bfnh- you are damn funny
    And neopolitain? That shit pisses me off. Just as you get into the groove of one flavor the bitch switches it up on you and goes changing shit around. No thanx.
    Now sorbet, THAT might be gay. And I sort of wouldn’t go for the gellato. Hell the word just plain LOOKS too close to something a strait man isn’t going to want to do.
    So can I order that pop from Lebanon? Are we even friendly with that country?

  7. I, for one, agree with all here that drinking Mike’s is far from the realm of gay. Hell, I’d rather drink one than a beer — and when friends start to joke with me about drinking “girly beer” I have a tendency to give them the “Don’t fuck around, I’m twice your size and will shove this boot up your ass if you believe for a nanosecond that I won’t” look.
    Needless to say, since I tend to be twice their size, they end the “gay beer” tirade. It’s good fun. ^_^
    Back to topic though, both Mike’s Lime and Smirnoff’s Raw Tea are far from being gay. Though, you might get the occasional glance from the “Beer is the manliest drink alive” guys — but they likely won’t bother tasting it anyways.
    Nice site, btw…

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