Aiiiiiieeeeee why do I even bother. Even though I’d already completely besmirched the name of this drink in the asides, when I came upon it in the wild, I allowed myself to get all curious and intrigued despite myself. Because god damn it, where I come from coconut + pineapple = piña colada, and that is the kind of solid beverage a man can hang his Kangol on, nephew.
But no, my previous complaints about Zico are still valid: God or Science or whoever has not taken my advice and re-engineered natural coconut water flavor, it still tastes like complete saliva ass. At least in this case it’s a little sweeter and more fruity than Zico, like tongue-kissing Carmen Miranda, maybe. OMG YOU GUYS did I just make a Carmen Miranda reference on the internet? God, what year is it. No one will have any idea what I’m talking about, and I’m too lazy to think of a more inspired simile.
Well while I’m showing my age, I will also tell a related anecdote from my personal life. The other day my 4-year-old was doing something, I don’t know what, maybe playing video games?, when suddenly he stopped and looked off into the middle distance for a moment and then turned to me and said: “Everyone’s slobber tastes the same.”
Which: YES. And coconut water tastes like everyone’s slobber, although it will apparently take me a lifetime to learn this lesson.
PS. Confidential to Josh: This comes in a Tetra Pak, which I know gets you all boney maronie.