A List Of Reasons Why I Might Possibly Need A Treat This Week:
- Had a date but forgot how fast I get pit stains when the temperature is above 20 °C.
- Wore my new hiphuggers but no one lovingly referred to me as a muffin top.
- Sarah in Accounts Receivable did her impression of how loudly I blow my nose and everyone had a good laugh when they did not know that I was within earshot, hearing the whole thing, and I am sorry that I blow my nose so loudly but I have a condition.
- My parrot, Professor Wikipedia, refuses to talk to me anymore, and when I ask him to do his wolf whistle, or if he would like a cracker, he just goes “Page not found L-O-L!” (And I did not teach him that.)
- I sent Josh an email almost a whole day ago, and all I’ve received in return so far is his usual “AFK, either blind off Maw’s hooch or ruining another toilet maybe both and if this is Kiven (sp?) I thought I said fuck off” autoresponder.
Is it any wonder, with a week like this, that I might run bawling in the direction of the nearest frozen ice creamy treat? Even if said treat is at McDonald’s? Can I be forgiven for such a crime against humanity/cows/rainforests/whatever? It’s so easy for you all to judge me, you don’t have my life. You don’t have my pit stains. You don’t have Josh to deal with. You don’t know the special place McDonald’s shakes used to have in my life. Especially around St Patrick’s Day, when Dad’s alcoholic haze would lift just enough for him to pile us in the car for Shamrock Shakes. “Kids,” he would say, “Your mom hates you and it’s your fault she left, but there was ne’er a pain that a Shamrock Shake wouldn’t quiet.”
And god damn it, he was right. Little did my dad know that a lifetime spent drowning my emotions in sugary juices and sodas would one day lead me to starting this website. I guess I have him to thank for that. And the fact that none of my belts fit.
Shamrock Shakes are gross now, by the way. I guess at some point they began replacing the mint flavoring with Wintergreen ‘Tussin? Kinda weird, not really my thing. The Minty Mudbath doesn’t fare much better; the chocolate and mint don’t blend so much as cancel each other out. Pretty disappointing. Normally when a drink has a name like “mud bath” you expect it to be so good.