June 19th, 2007 / by josh
SmartWater
OK. No more lies. No more sassafras. No more jingo-jango. If you sat me down, right here right now, lay an avuncular hand on my shoulder, leaned in and quietly asked, “If you could only drink one beverage for the rest of your life, what would it be?”
I mean, this is the question. This is what we’re here for. And although my thumbs tremble as I punch these words into my jerry-rigged Merlin, I feel that – right here right now – I have a very real answer: SmartWater.
But first I feel I must approach this with the cold, clinical logic that we apply to all of our beviews. I can’t let raw emotion affect this decision. I’ll be using our standard SAD/RAD binary schema.
SAD:
- It’s called SmartWater. GHEY. Throw in the interCaps and you’ve got a real bad case of 1998. And if you put “smart” in the name, you better be delivering Smatthew-level results.
- It’s bottled water. Dude they just take your local tap and mark it up like infinity percent. You are an A-1 chump if you shell out your hard-earned for that.
- What are you, some kind of bicyclist? Do you wear four-way seamless stretch microsensor moisture-wicking 3D chamois shorts that leave nothing to the imagination? Do you try to intentionally get your heart-rate up? No. No.
- Plus I guess you hate the environment!
- Yet another Glaceau product, which already had the whiff of smug exploitation about them even before Coke swooped in and bought the company. Now Jennifer Aniston’s doing TV spots. Is this where your allegiances lie.
RAD:
- Holy fuck this is good.
- GODDAMN IT WATER FTW
- Dearest Jesus in deep space this is the purest, cleanest, most perfect water in the history of water.
- Fuck you they make this in a lab. You think natural water tastes good? Pulled out of some dirty spring, choked with fish poo and chemical runoff? These Glaceau punks built a little chamber where they manufacture beautiful white clouds, unsullied by real-world pollutants, and then they make these clouds rain ever so gently right into SmartWater bottles for you to enjoy.
- It was really hot over the weekend and I seriously, hand raised, had a like five-minute reverie where I envisioned a walk-in refrigerator filled stem-to-stern with liter bottles of SmartWater, perfectly chilled, gleaming, and lit from within. There was a mist.
- It hydrates the shit out of anything it touches.
- gotta stockpile man coke’s going to change the formula i just know it
- so clean, so so clean
- oh god unnnhh
- SMARTWATER RUNS BARTERTOWN
66 Comments
June 19th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
the smatthew reference made me burst out laughing.
June 19th, 2007 at 11:53 pm
So… drinking water means you hate the environment.
June 20th, 2007 at 7:31 am
Better than Fiji water?
June 20th, 2007 at 8:04 am
I don’t get it. It’s just water? You gave 5 stars to just bottled water?
Next up: 5 stars for hugs, love, and eating your vegetables. Good job, hippie.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Dude you’ve totally got a love hate fan base. Geez. SO come on, better than fiji or what? I love that shit.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
YES it is better than Fiji. It is better than ANY water, whether in a bottle or out of the tap or gathered by pixies from some magical waterfall that flows out the ass of Stephanie Powers or whoever the kids think is hot these days. How can I be any clearer.
June 20th, 2007 at 7:21 pm
God I love this site.
June 21st, 2007 at 3:30 pm
How can you be any clearer? Well shit I didn’t even know if you’d tried Fiji before so don’t be so cranky. Polly Pissy Pants.
Can’t wait to try the water.
June 21st, 2007 at 3:38 pm
OMG you guys Josh and Lindy are going to fight behind the bleachers after school today, pass it on.
June 22nd, 2007 at 8:18 am
And then we’re going to make out.
Cuz that’s how I roll.
June 22nd, 2007 at 12:50 pm
oh shit. matt brought some home and i was all: so the fuck what? it’s just water. it tastes like water.
so we did a blind taste test and i chose the smart water. and now it’s all i want to drink.
as if we needed to become just some more schmucks whose palate is too snobbish for good ol’ tap water. damn you, allen.
June 22nd, 2007 at 1:12 pm
@joanna - send matt out for some fiji to compare, plz.
June 22nd, 2007 at 8:47 pm
consider it done.
June 23rd, 2007 at 2:34 pm
in a blind taste test, i preferred fiji over smartwater. i thought that, compared to the fiji, smartwater tasted more minerally.
matt not only correctly identified which was the smartwater, he preferred it. matt thought that the SMARTWATER tasted more minerally than the fiji.
i guess our results are inconclusive.
June 25th, 2007 at 11:10 am
Boo-ya Polly.
June 30th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
five stars for water?
i hope i never get old.
June 30th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
Hey! A while back, I thought you-all had stopped doing reports — but here I am, laughing my head off again. Glad to see you’re still going, and you’ll be relieved to learn that you’re back on my list.
June 30th, 2007 at 6:48 pm
i work in hvac in charleston, sc. it’s really hot. most of my time is spent sweating in attics that can range up to 150 F. i’ve tried most bottled waters. i prefer the taste of smartwater. fiji is also good. i drink, on average, 8-9 liters of water per business day, whether it is smartwater, dasani, fiji, or aquafina. i feel better when its smartwater.
July 3rd, 2007 at 9:30 am
Dear Josh and everyone: I drank some Smartwater recently. It was good! I liked it! Better than a lot of other bottled waters, even! I still feel very strongly, however, that at the end of the day it’s still just water we’re talking about here, so let’s not all get crazy.
I have reinstated Josh’s posting privileges on a trail basis. He’s really nice, you guys. If you ever met him in person you would be fine with laughing away his vagaries, as I do.
July 5th, 2007 at 4:45 pm
This much deliberation over bottled waters is absolutely necessary.
July 5th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
How can any of you not think Poland Spring is the best thing ever?
July 7th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
Joanna’s comment has a typo. Obviously, I thought the Fuji tasted minerally. It’s mineral water.
I also I thought I’d mention that in a second taste taste of Fuji and SW, Joanna could not tell the difference, yet I identified and preferred the SW.
I think this is because I am a supertaster of excellent pedigree and Joanna simply has no taste.
July 8th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
In the last day I have bought a bottle each of Poland Spring, Fiji and Smart Water and am happily rating them now from Worst to Best.
Poland is a utility water; there is a distinct flatness that turns ugly as the liquid warms. But in one go — like a twelve-ouncer all at once — it does the job as neatly as anything else.
And just the same, only cheap alcohol should be guzzled.
July 10th, 2007 at 9:24 am
Obama-SmartWater ‘08.
July 10th, 2007 at 10:25 am
I gave Fiji another shot yesterday, in its cup-holder-hostile bottle, and sorry haters but there’s no competition. It’s all minerally and nast. The thing about SmWa is its total absence of flavor, which I guess makes some people uncomfortable and rude but is, to me, what all water should strive for.
July 10th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
I really liked the taste of SmartWater but how does it compare to say, Gatorade and other sports drinks that are designed to replace electrolytes? Does it have the same amount, 1/2 as much as Gatorade etc.?
July 11th, 2007 at 12:12 am
Never drink Dasani. They put salt in it. Once I learned this, I became convinced I can taste it.
July 11th, 2007 at 8:59 am
Sarah’s comment made me Google things about water and sodium and it turned up this:
http://www.calorie-count.com/forums/post/29481.html
Which basically makes me laugh forever because ‘performance waters’ is a phrase being used in such seriousness. Nutritionally insignificant!
July 11th, 2007 at 9:37 am
Isn’t the whole gatorade electolyte thing just salt and sugar? Just drink the friggin water.
July 12th, 2007 at 5:58 am
All isotonic drinks (like Gatorade, etc. Those drinks designed to hydrate quickly) contain a good measure of salt. It forces the body to absorb liquid more quickly.
I have friends to make their own isotonic drinks with water and juice concentrate and salt. It’s gross.
July 12th, 2007 at 7:35 am
Gatorade only for crippling hangovers.
July 12th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
I’m with charlie. Water is for the elderly.
P.S. When’s the Metamucil review coming out?
July 12th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
Okay, for a couple of years my digestive system kinda crapped out on me, imagine having the stomach flu every day for two years - you get the idea. The ONLY thing I didn’t bring right back up was SmartWater. Other bottled waters did nothing for me, but SmartWater actually hydrated me to the point where i could tolerate chicken broth! No foolin.’
So now I still live with digestive problems, although not so bad (thank you modern medicine). My GI doc was the one who told me to drink SmartWater, he says it’s the best thing for your digestive system, your body as a whole. He says it’s like a hydration IV (something I’ve experienced one too many times) without the hospital room and needle.
So there you go. I buy it by the case at Costco. I drink about 3 liters a day. Works for me.
July 14th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Recently my new co-worker explained that water is so gross that it makes her sick. I asked what she does for liquids. Her answer? Coffee (a diuretic), milk and diluted kool-aid. My jaw hit the floor.
I love water in all its forms. I drink at least a gallon a day in the summer, and on days when I work it’s closer to two. Tap, spring, diluted, rain, toilet. It’s all delicious.
But the best is Poland Spring. I would be fine with never drinking anything else again.
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:50 am
i love the bitchy commentary on the side of the Glacéau bottles and i’m totally besties with radioactive looking dragonfruit vitamin water.
p.s. my mom drinks smartwater too. she’s an old lady.
p.p.s. heather is my pun heroine du jour for the first sentence of her post.
August 4th, 2007 at 1:44 am
Perfect. You made me want some so hard. Hope they sell it at WalMart. I bet it cures hangovers, too.
August 5th, 2007 at 11:25 pm
I’m laughing really hard at this… and giving skeptical glances to my mug of lowly Brita-filtered TAP water over there…
Is it even WORTH drinking?
August 30th, 2007 at 8:28 pm
First or all kevin is trippin. And i am mad yall are doing blind tastes test, like its that serouis. Lastly I am a hater and there for am trippin too, so dont pay attention to the first part, but i play alot of sports and have tryed both and on the real it is all the same to me. I would rather get water out a garden hose just because more water would come out.
August 31st, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Bird Man - I’ve always liked that taste that water coming out of a garden hose has! (I’m afriad it’s broken down rubber and lead) but it always reminds me of summer and being a kid.
Hippie much? Why yes.
G-damn it I STILL haven’t found the smart water anywhere around here. Bullshit.
October 7th, 2007 at 9:33 pm
Listen to this: I am a type 1 Diabetic (Juv.) 32…I ended up in the hospital this weekend due to DKA. A high level of acidity in my blood. This stuff (smart water) has electrolytes in it that reduce the acidity and it works like magic. My blood sugar is lower and i feel clean inside. My blood felt very thick in my veins prior to my last hospital visit. I think this is amazing. I feel alot better.
October 13th, 2007 at 7:20 am
WOW,YOU KNOW AQUAFINA IS THE ONE BEING SUED FOR SELLING TAP WATER!I LOVE SMART WATER,IT’S AWESOME WATER!!!!
October 16th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Hey,
Lovin the smart water….I have tried to tell myself for years that I get my water in Coffee, but after drinking smartwater, I actually crave h20. I’m still not a 100% convinced that I don’t feel better because of the cute little goldfish in the bottle, but hey, I’m drinking more water than ever, & I’m feeling a little bit slimmer because of it. Of course, I still buy my husband the crap from the grocery store, but hey, when he wants to take over the shopping…he can get whatever kind of bottled h2o he wants. I feel too good to worry about it :)
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:57 am
Distilled water with three salts added:
calcium chloride
magnesium chloride
potassium bicarbonate
Make it yourself for a whole lot cheaper. And you won’t be contributing to the plastic bottle crisis — getting serious.
January 2nd, 2008 at 10:40 pm
THANK YOU!!!! You are soo- right!
-m
January 7th, 2008 at 11:54 am
no lie. this is god’s water gift to the universe in today’s time and age. the cleanest purest, period. now i am a glaceau (vitamin water) buff. they also have this product that coke is apparently trying to discontinue. this stuff is fruitwater and has just a hint of fruit flavor. perfect in the morning as there isn’t too damn much going on. less than 5 g sugar (DIABETICS?!!). no artificial sweeteners (HELLO!) this stuff has such a cult following someone started a site trying to stop it from being squashed. http://www.savethefruitwater.com. def worth the time to check it out.
January 7th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
I was just looking for some info on smart water.
Why?
Because I bought a bottle at the airport over the holidays and I absolutely loved it. I was pretty thirsty and I drank the bottle and then wondered when I drank it. Not because I was still thirsty, I wasn’t a bit. I was fully hydrated, but I didn’t feel like I had drank anything. Like it all went into my body and blood stream and never even got to stomach. So I didn’t feel that heavy feeling I always feel after a bottle of water.
And I don’t think I’ve ever tasted anything cleaner. I won’t be coming back to the site, unless I find out something new. But just wanted to post to give an opionion. I didn’t know you could buy it at Costco, but I will definately pick some up tomorrow.
This is totally unbiased opinion. I have no stock. But it’s not a bad idea.
I think I might buy some.
T.
January 11th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I love this water! It is the best tasting water I’ve ever had! I also like this site!
January 23rd, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Bought my first bottle. It was on sale and I drank it down. Loved it. But wonder how they are adding electrolytes. Bicarbonite calcium additives are vegan, yes?
Let’s take it one step further. Doe smartwater work for the raw foodists in this house?
January 27th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
OK I think smartwater is pretty good but I don’t think it tastes better than FIJI. It seems to be a little bit cheaper though so that’s good enough for me!
January 27th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
wow, no fucking kidding, I tried it again yesterdy, just the second time—seemed okay the first but I was distracted, a stressful weekend—yesterday the only taint was being magnificently thirsty with a headache no less and this water! this water quenched my thirst in the clearest purest way AND took my headache away immediately no kidding! just another example of HOW CLOUDS RULE!…well, I dunno, or it might be the electrolytes but they don’t seem to zing me when I consume E-mergenies so, jury might be out as to the whys but I find the water super outstanding, period.
February 27th, 2008 at 3:32 am
I have been in deepest love with SmartWater for several years now and miss the IQ chart they used to have on the side of the bottle. All other waters do not compare, except for maybe water post Pur filter passthrough, and even then, that’s not as fluffy and tasteless as the magical drops of dew that… aw crap, need more SmartWater…. (shakes empty bottle and frowns)
Poland Spring, Aquafina, Dasani… yuk. Deja Blue is fairly good and Ozarka is moderately tolerable, but I normally stay away from those as much as possible on account of Need More SmartWater.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:45 am
Does anybody know what happened to the Cucumber-Lemon Smartwater? My favorite store doesn’t carry it anymore.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
way better than Fiji water, it is not just bottled water and it’s not just water its the god of waters
March 27th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
We have a very clean and vibrant well here in Connecticut and our well water outstripes any of this so called ‘bottled water’.
As already said, it’s just water bottled and sold as something special. You’re paying an extra price for free water because of the advertisement that tells you otherwise.
Most of these bottled waters, and I’d bet the same as SmartWater, just water bottled from a local (or distant) municipal water supply.
In a nutshell, all they do is turn on teh tap and fill the specially marked bottle, seal it and charge you suckers a bunch for the same thing you get free.
Get real, guys and gals. Don’t be suckers like my wife is.
Geeze!
March 28th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Yeah you suckers! Why don’t you just use your well instead?? You’ve got a WELL in your backyard like Dick from Connecticut, right? Dick from Connecticut, who is so filled with loathing for his frigid hag of a wife (and rightfully so!) that the only glimmer of sexual arousal he can muster comes from telling it like it is to dumb strangers on the internet.
I, for one, salute you, Dick. Your generosity of spirit is outstriped [sic] only by your smug New England douchebaggery.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I love this post because it pretty much captures the way I feel. On the one hand, why am I paying so much for water? On the other hand, it does taste great! I love it and keep buying it. But in mind I still wonder if I’m a sucker.
April 7th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Hey there. I know, it’s been a while. I was just… you know, it’d been a long day and I felt like checking in with the K4TSmWa community. I feel like we’re all friends now, like we’ve been brought together to this one place in this one time, to celebrate our collective love of Smart Water. ANyway, it’s been a while since I came by, but I’m still loving the taste of purity (in and out of bed).
I am pounding my chest and making V signals even now at all of you.
Shout out to my VitWa brothers! Those bitches screaming about the sugar in it on TV can kiss my ass. A VitWa first thing in the morning is like a full body massage.
April 16th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Pay a hypnotist to program you that poop is good. Then you can eat for free forever….until everyone starts doing it then we’ll run out of poop at some point. You want to believe what they tell you about Smart Water before they tell it to you. So when they tell it to you it gives you permission to buy into your fantasies. Drop the vail, drink some tap water, make a crinkly face and do something productive like donate some money to Africa so they can build a well.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Has anyone tested the pH of Smartwater lately? I did. Straight from the bottle, it was 6.6! I tried another bottle and it was 6.8. I was expecting at least 7.2. I have been buying it for months, for the electrolytes. Can it really be so acidic? Does this happen when the bottles sit around for a long time?
June 6th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Two words for ya SMART BEER it could change everything
June 28th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I just tried Smart Water yesterday actually. I am an avid water drinker, and I do become dehydrated more than occasionally, so when someone mentioned Smart Water to me, I was on that like flies on shit. I love it! It tastes like water, yet different…cleaner, purer, like the blood of Jesus even. Although I am not in the habit of drinking blood. That would be weird and you can get aids doing that shit. Anyway, when I drink Smart Water, it actually quenches my thirst. It’s like my body actually gets what it needs from this almost magical water, and stops telling me it is friggin thirsty! Yayness.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
I recently found out I’m at risk for diabetes and have started to walk 3 times a day 20-30 minutes each and found this water at my local store.
I must say, I LOVE IT! It tastes so pure and the electrolytes fill your blood with oxygen and I hear lower blood pressure(Which is why I’m at risk) so it was an automatic win!
When I get the chance I’ll be going to costco and buying tons of this, it is simply too good to pass up!
August 16th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Hey, Im actually drinking this stuff right now!
Its so clean I can taste my own impurities………
But seriously, it does taste a little clean.
Better than my tap water at least!
August 21st, 2008 at 6:26 am
Toilet water. If it’s good enough for my dog, it’s bloddy well good enough for me.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
What you forgot to mention is the ELECTROLYTES! this shit is AMAZING for hangovers. Plus, best bottled water ever. Yes, better than Fiji.
“Spring water is for swimming, SmartWater is for drinking.” -sayeth the little goldfish on the inside of the label.
September 16th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I ,like Heather, have very bad health problems, I need a new pancrease. Hopefully an 18 year old will be good enough to give me one before it is too late. Hopefully they won’ t suffer too much to do it. Any Hoo , this water is great, and yes it does work! I just got off my I V’s and I feel wonderful!
Took over where they left off! Try it people, I don’t care who owns it, Coke or no Coke, it’s great!
And I love the humor you guys have with every thing you talk about. I am 54 and NOT a PRUDE, you guys are awesome! Keep up the good work and I hope to see more of your work,that is if someone croaks and I get to procure their nice,young, pancrease!