There’s this Spanish billboard for Sierra Mist that’s near my work, and I see it every day, and I think about it every day.
Against a blank white background is a giant bottle of S. Mist surrounded by small people. One small guy is chainsawing the bottle vertically, chopping off the front half. This half […]
All right. Fine, OK, whatever. Jesus, stop looking at me like that. It’s just that I’ve been a little sick of all the juices and sodas lately. The other night I was food shopping, lonely as a cloud in the beverage aisles, thinking The next company that tries to make me drink something cherry-vanilla’d or […]
Seriously would you just look at that bottle. Is that classy or what. That is classy. A bottle like that says 5-star Zagat. Crisp white linens and at least two forks. Lemon wedges in the water. If Maura Tierney saw me drinking this, she would definitely start returning my calls. Just as high-class as can […]
Josh. Like you, I have been searching long and lean for a good tamarind soda. A lot of the tamarind sodas on the market today, they skimp on the tamarind flavor. I’ll just say it. The global tamarind beverage syndicate doesn’t want to hear it, but I will say it. The products they deliver are […]
Dearest Kevin,
You are a delightful young man. I know I don’t tell you this often enough. You are such a treat! Your bon mots, your waggish charm, your irresisitable little-girl eyes. Most of all, your rapacious lust for life, with appetites as wide-ranging as the great plains of Middle America itself — God’s country. […]
So Fizzy Lizzy sent us some of their beverages to try out, because I guess they’re scrappy up-and-comers? Like three people in some cramped apartment in NYC? Allegedly someone named Lizzy got it in her head that she was going to make juice-and-seltzer drinks and then just went for it — are you buying […]
Is this the perfect recipe for a grown-up soda? Or just a chillingly obvious plan to turn America’s youth into alcoholics?
Man last I checked my name ain’t Heraclitus of Ephesus, what do I know about such things. Although I must admit, a soda named and flavored after a popular alcoholic drink, and sold in the […]
Dear Kevin, I know remembering things is not your forte, e.g., my cat’s birthday (Bastille Day, totally easy) and the anniversary of us starting this site (back when it was mostly just my pervy ASCII art “published” exclusively in your .sig file). But maybe you’ll recall my four-point-five review of Virgil’s Root Beer and how […]
You know better than anyone that energy drinks and I have a troubled past. Bloodshot eyes, heart palpitations, amateur karate competitions, god complexes, picnic, lightning, etc. I’m just not the target audience. I long ago hung up my extreme parachute and developed secondary sexual characteristics.
But my lucrative job as a Junior Bevolologist [sic] requires […]
Stay up all kinds of late. Pudding for lunch AND dinner. Clean underwear totally optional. Drink as much soda as you want, when you want. Who’s with me: being an adult is awesome. OH WAIT OR IS IT? Your lower back basically hurts all the time, you have no clue what that noise on the […]
