You wake up in a dingy basement, your hands shackled and chained to the very gross floor. There’s a dead body next to you, holding a tape player. The recorded message tells you the key to the chains has been implanted in your tongue. You notice a razor blade affixed to the wall nearby, right […]
There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to wake up to a cold hard truth that can no longer be ignored. For some men, that means reconciling their desire to wear a leather vest and no shirt with their loveless heterosexual marriage. As for me, (relax) I must face up to […]
You know better than anyone that energy drinks and I have a troubled past. Bloodshot eyes, heart palpitations, amateur karate competitions, god complexes, picnic, lightning, etc. I’m just not the target audience. I long ago hung up my extreme parachute and developed secondary sexual characteristics.
But my lucrative job as a Junior Bevolologist [sic] requires […]
Yerba mate is a highly caffeinated tea that seems like the type of thing that would be popular in parts of South America or maybe Nepal. Guayaki is marketing it here as a tea-slash-energy drink. The ingredients don’t list any of the ADHD-causing additives normally associated with energy drinks, so that seems to be just […]
OK you’ve been all bragging about how every time you go to the store you’re mesmerized by all the exciting new options, overwhelmed by the magical rainbow cornucopia of blah blah at that point I stop listening. But at my store you get 2-liter torpedoes of generic pineapple soda and then the monolithic Wall of […]
I think it was you who clued me into the vibrant Surge community? Right? I think? And how they were sad that Surge is gone from all our lives? How their day-to-day just wasn’t quite as xtreme as it used to be? And that now they’re looking to Vault, the new greenish Coke product, as […]
Subjected myself to a grueling energy-drink marathon last week and am still only at 60% of my usual typing accuracy thanks to my shaking hands and this evidently-not-going-away-anytime-soon throb within the vitreous of my eyes — I mean just look at an excerpt of an entry I wrote while in the midst of the taste-tests: […]
