I have some young friends. You don’t know this about me, but I’ve got these young friends. Because of how I transcend trends and am basically timeless? So I can relate to any generation? Right? We’ve talked about this. The youths of today just plain feel comfortable hanging around me and don’t care that I [...]
Hecho en Mexico. What other three word phrase is capable of conjuring images of such magic and wonder? None! And Jarritos Fruit Punch (a.k.a “Tutti Fruiti”) delivers on that promise. This is a beverage that literally sent me on a journey, even before I’d taken my first sip. It seems the cap is not a [...]
Forget regular lemonade: you’ve been with her too long, and she still hasn’t shut up about not getting the lead in the drama club’s production of Anything Goes. Honestly, let it go. But whoa now who is this new girl in school? She loaned you a pencil in Chemistry, and then winked at you when [...]
Stay up all kinds of late. Pudding for lunch AND dinner. Clean underwear totally optional. Drink as much soda as you want, when you want. Who’s with me: being an adult is awesome. OH WAIT OR IS IT? Your lower back basically hurts all the time, you have no clue what that noise on the [...]
No idea how to pronounce the second word this one. In my quiet moments I cradle the bottle like a helpless infant in my hands and say things like “Silk!…Live, damn you!” Like in an exasperated Charlton Heston voice. And pronouncing it with a short “i.” Ah fuck, humor about heteronyms is basically impossible on [...]
A while back you had this short-lived but steamy affair with some V8 product and I thought maybe it was the V.Fusion here. (No seriously somebody approved the name “V.Fusion.” That is not a typo.) You were basically jumping up and down and flapping your hands all excitedly, saying “omigod omigod omigod”? Remember?
Anyway I don’t [...]
The Lebanese beverage industry is not a sector of the global economy you hear an awful lot about these days. Is it even legal for me to be drinking something imported from Beirut, is basically my main question. If not then I guess consider this my protest against the current administration and their war on [...]
God I am so sick of antioxidants. I mean I’m as opposed to free radicals and premature aging and heart disease and certain cancers as the next guy, but when did pricey bottled beverages get so stodgy. My grocery store is cluttered with these antioxidant drinks and I guess maybe it’s because of the demo [...]
So my manliness is already being called into question in the comments thanks to all the twee lukewarm candy-tea I’ve been consuming these days, and I mean whatever, that stuff just bounces off me because I know who I am, I know I once beat a barrista to death with a chair because he didn’t [...]
I like things that emit the scent of grapefruit. It’s a very clean aroma. You know I have that thing about washing my hands. Too bad there isn’t a soda made from eucalyptus, which actually has very cleansing properties. Oh man, can you imagine if my two obsessions, soda and cleanliness, were somehow combined. [...]
