Aiiiiiieeeeee why do I even bother. Even though I’d already completely besmirched the name of this drink in the asides, when I came upon it in the wild, I allowed myself to get all curious and intrigued despite myself. Because god damn it, where I come from coconut + pineapple = piña colada, and that [...]
Jiggedy wiggedy. I do not know what you do for fun where you live. I picture you high atop a mountain, staring glumly at the ground, bummed that you couldn’t find any dinosaur bones. How close is that to your actual deal, I wonder. But around where I live it is COUNTY FAIR SEASON. Yay [...]
Italian Volcano Blood Orange Juice. Orange juice made from Italian Volcano Blood. Mount Etna, dude. Pompeii. Complete carnage. A city frozen and buried in time, its treasures lost for eons. This is not some shit to be trifled with. This is fucking lava juice. This is a juice that many men died to bring you. [...]
A perennial favorite, and probably my preferred breakfast juice. It always tastes fresh, in a way that supermarket orange juice never does. But it also has a more complex flavor, such that while drinking it a person might be inclined to dig around for a monocle and phrases like “aromatics” and “tongue map.”
It’s filled with [...]
Q: HOW excited was I to have mango juice for breakfast every day this week?
A: EXCITED excited.
Q: I am so happy for you, I have not seen you this full of zazz in so long!
A: I know, seriously!
Q: SO HOW WAS IT?????21111!!!!
A: If I was a mango I would go absolutely Rambo on this juice [...]
Seriously would you just look at that bottle. Is that classy or what. That is classy. A bottle like that says 5-star Zagat. Crisp white linens and at least two forks. Lemon wedges in the water. If Maura Tierney saw me drinking this, she would definitely start returning my calls. Just as high-class as can [...]
OK I hope Dean Allen has been paying the electric bill because I am just writing this directly into the machine. From my fingertips to your eyes.
I am a person who eats breakfast with such frequency that it is often necessary to push other meals aside in order to make room for additional breakfasts. Pancakes [...]
So Fizzy Lizzy sent us some of their beverages to try out, because I guess they’re scrappy up-and-comers? Like three people in some cramped apartment in NYC? Allegedly someone named Lizzy got it in her head that she was going to make juice-and-seltzer drinks and then just went for it — are you buying [...]
Forget regular lemonade: you’ve been with her too long, and she still hasn’t shut up about not getting the lead in the drama club’s production of Anything Goes. Honestly, let it go. But whoa now who is this new girl in school? She loaned you a pencil in Chemistry, and then winked at you when [...]
I’ve been in Indiana for the past week, what’s your excuse? I come back to find the office a complete mess and Gonzalo wearing only what I’m 90% certain are a pair of your tighty whiteys, what’s up. Anyways, shite state of affairs out there, I’m sad to report: there is fuck-all to drink. I [...]
