A List Of Reasons Why I Might Possibly Need A Treat This Week:

• Had a date but forgot how fast I get pit stains when the temperature is above 20 °C.
• Wore my new hiphuggers but no one lovingly referred to me as a muffin top.
• Sarah in Accounts Receivable did her impression of how loudly I blow my nose and everyone had a good laugh when they did not know that I was within earshot, hearing the whole thing, and I am sorry that I blow my nose so loudly but I have a condition.
• My parrot, Professor Wikipedia, refuses to talk to me anymore, and when I ask him to do his wolf whistle, or if he would like a cracker, he just goes “Page not found L-O-L!” (And I did not teach him that.)
• I sent Josh an email almost a whole day ago, and all I’ve received in return so far is his usual “AFK, either blind off Maw’s hooch or ruining another toilet maybe both and if this is Kiven (sp?) I thought I said fuck off” autoresponder.

Is it any wonder, with a week like this, that I might run bawling in the direction of the nearest frozen ice creamy treat? Even if said treat is at McDonald’s? Can I be forgiven for such a crime against humanity/cows/rainforests/whatever? It’s so easy for you all to judge me, you don’t have my life. You don’t have my pit stains. You don’t have Josh to deal with. You don’t know the special place McDonald’s shakes used to have in my life. Especially around St Patrick’s Day, when Dad’s alcoholic haze would lift just enough for him to pile us in the car for Shamrock Shakes. “Kids,” he would say, “Your mom hates you and it’s your fault she left, but there was ne’er a pain that a Shamrock Shake wouldn’t quiet.”

And god damn it, he was right. Little did my dad know that a lifetime spent drowning my emotions in sugary juices and sodas would one day lead me to starting this website. I guess I have him to thank for that. And the fact that none of my belts fit.

Shamrock Shakes are gross now, by the way. I guess at some point they began replacing the mint flavoring with Wintergreen ‘Tussin? Kinda weird, not really my thing. The Minty Mudbath doesn’t fare much better; the chocolate and mint don’t blend so much as cancel each other out. Pretty disappointing. Normally when a drink has a name like “mud bath” you expect it to be so good.

So anyways it would be fun to imagine how that conversation went, because somewhere along the line, for some reason I cannot even begin to wrap my head around, someone decided that a good marketing campaign would center around a soda that tastes like a mouthful of Starburst-flavored condoms. And then other people OK’d that idea. And then hundreds of other people got out of bed the next morning and set to work, bringing that idea to life.

Related: I’m kind of not super excited about the next 50+ years on this planet.

Anyhooters. Halo 3 isn’t out yet, so if you want to know does this beverage make you awesome at using the gravity gun to remove Miranda Keye’s pantaloons, hold tight. I do not have that information yet. But I can tell you that after drinking this I did absolutely whale on some Super Mario Bros. 2 on the GBA. I finished the game using Luigi almost exclusively! There was just this one part where I had to use Toad b/c homey is waaay faster at picking up the Birdo eggs and I was getting mad pissy at the game. You know how I do.

But no, my previous complaints about Zico are still valid: God or Science or whoever has not taken my advice and re-engineered natural coconut water flavor, it still tastes like complete saliva ass. At least in this case it’s a little sweeter and more fruity than Zico, like tongue-kissing Carmen Miranda, maybe. OMG YOU GUYS did I just make a Carmen Miranda reference on the internet? God, what year is it. No one will have any idea what I’m talking about, and I’m too lazy to think of a more inspired simile.

Well while I’m showing my age, I will also tell a related anecdote from my personal life. The other day my 4-year-old was doing something, I don’t know what, maybe playing video games?, when suddenly he stopped and looked off into the middle distance for a moment and then turned to me and said: “Everyone’s slobber tastes the same.”

Which: YES. And coconut water tastes like everyone’s slobber, although it will apparently take me a lifetime to learn this lesson.

PS. Confidential to Josh: This comes in a Tetra Pak, which I know gets you all boney maronie.